Good Mommy, Bad Mommy!!

I would like to preface this blog with this: I realize that I am raising God Loving, sweet, compassionate, caring, wonderful children! I know that they will excel at anything and everything that they want and will be wonderful adults in society....despite me!

When Myles and I decided to have children, we both decided that for us the best option would be to work out a work schedule that would allow us to juggle work and raising our children without sending them off to daycare. We wanted to be the ones to raise them in their preschool years without outside, uncontrollable influence. What I mean by this, is influence that we don't have the ability to control or know what they are learning on a daily basis.

I have been aware throughout my 5 years as a parent that everything that I did with and for my children could influence them and the adult that they become. I am very cautious in the way that I discipline, the things I have let my children (mostly Destiny) experience, not experience and do.

As you all are aware, Destiny went to Kindergarten for one week this year at barely 5 years old. Before I sent her off to school, I taught her, her address, her phone number, her name, her mom and dad's name, her ABC's, and she could count to 25. I was so proud to send her to school and felt she was ready.... until the first day. After one week of many tears shed (by me and by her), a trip to the principals office and a parent teacher conference, I made the decision to send her to pre-k. This was a very hard decision for me. I never wanted my kids to go to pre-k. I just think 13 years of school prior to college is a lot. I did not attend pre-k and I am an intelligent person. I also wanted them at home until the age of 5. It seems to me that once they go to school, time flies and they are grown before you know it. I wanted them to get opportunies to just be kids.

All of this said, I did not want to see them struggle, fall, hurt themselves, or be dirty. I want them to have friends and be athletic or have the opportunity and ability to do whatever their hearts desire. With this all being said, I noticed some things with Destiny when she was in Kindergarten and even in Pre-K. She struggles to hold her pencil or crayon correctly. She prefers a spoon to a fork. She still will not ride a bicycle. She started occupational therapy today and was recommended for speech therapy. Now, just so you know, I feel like a total failure thus far as a parent. I held Destiny a lot when she was a baby, because I love her. I always said she wasn't spoiled, just loved!! I didn't let her crawl on a floor that might be dirty. I didn't let her climb on things, because she might fall. I didn't let her struggle to open that package, cause I didn't want to see her struggle. She never fell. She was the ideal and perfect baby (except sleep of course). She never tried to get into things. She didn't put things in her mouth. If she did try to get into something, a simple "No, Destiny" and she turned the other way, but this was a rare occurance. I taught her sign language so that she could communicate with us early. She was great at sign language, but didn't talk well until she was about 3. I failed her by not letting her crawl more. I failed her by not letting her stuggle to open the package. I failed her...

I know that I will continue to fail as a parent, making poor decisions that at the time seem like the best thing! Hailee and Destiny are complete opposites, so I am sure I will make different mistakes with Hailee and I still have the adolescent years to come!

Like I said though, I am raising great kids and they will succeed, despite me!!

Excitement

This has been a great Christmas season!! I love Christmas time and everything about Christmas, except the cold weather. This year has been unseasonably warm, so this has been a wonderful Christmas thus far. Now I realize it is going to get cold, but I cannot complain!

Myles and I have always worked shift work and usually one of us have to work Christmas day, so we have been very accustomed to celebrating Christmas on a day other than December 25. This year it happens to be tomorrow!

Christmas seemed to creep up on me faster this year than ever before. We usually go look at Christmas lights several times before Christmas, but this year we didn't get an opportunity to go out until tonight. We drove through Woflin, but decided to go to 'ole faithful and look at lights at Bishop Hills (if you haven't gone yet, Bishop Hills is awesome with its live Nativity Scene). The girls loved looking at lights. On our way home, Destiny asked to drive around Bushland to look at lights, so we did. Hailee was asleep already by this time!

While we drove around our neighborhood at Prairie West, we saw a Deer just grazing through the neighborhood! What perfect timing. Destiny wanted to come home and watch TV before going to bed. We showed her the deer, who didn't mind us driving close to it...about 25 foot away and explained that Santa must be near. I could see the excitement well up in her and she requested to go home now, so that she could watch TV and go to bed. She explained that she would only watch one Sponge Bob and go to bed.

When we arrived home, she took off all of her clothes (yes, every stitch), preparing to get into her PJ's and went to the bathroom. Hailee was awake not, from being carried into the house. I was in the living room, playing with Hailee and was playing like I was Santa. I said Ho-Ho-Ho in a gruff voice. Destiny came running into the living room and said "Mommy, did you say Ho-Ho-Ho?" I told her "No". The look on her face was absolutely priceless!!! I only wish I could have captured a photo, but it's always the unplanned events that get you! She rushed into the bedroom, still naked, and climbed into bed. She said "I gotta go to sleep right now or Santa won't stop". I helped her get into her PJ's...faster than she has ever done anything. She said "Mommy, please no socks" and she tucked herself in bed. She was literally asleep within 5 minutes!

Wow, these are the times that we create these Wonderful Memories! Those of you who know me, know that I am huge on creating memories for my kids and this was a great one!!

Goodnight and Merry Christmas!!

Stong-Willed Child

I am not an avid reader and have probably not read a book for pleasure in over 5 years. I know that this may seem very strange, but books for study have always been enjoyable and I like to learn. Books for pleasure seem like a waste of time, when I could be enjoying my kids, cleaning any number of things that need to be cleaned, or simply anything other than reading!

As you all know, my baby is growing up and just recently turned two. With Destiny I thought two was an awesome age (3 was terrible, but 2 was an awesome time). With much digging in of my heels, I recently decided to convert Hailee's bed into a toddler bed. Until this time, she never even tried to climb out of bed, even though she climbs on everything else. I have been fortunate. I made the conversion, though, because she had loosened all of the screws to the point of not being able to tighten them. She did this with her jumping in her bed while holding onto the railing! I just felt her bed was becoming dangerous and I knew that someday she would try to climb out. The first day I converted the bed, I did so after nap time and she went to sleep like a charm! Now, I have to tell you, Hailee has always been an awesome sleeper! After putting her to bed, she has always gone to sleep and usually is found in the same position the next morning, when you go to wake her up. She goes to bed between 8:00 and 9:00. (9:00 is a late night), like clockwork and usually wakes up between 8:00 and 9:00 in the morning and takes a 1-3 hour nap! Now, if you do the math, she is only awake about 9 hours a day, which really makes it seem as though you don't even have a child!! I am a very realistic thinker and know that this won't last forever and have waited for the day that she would stay up later, stop naps, wake up earlier...or all of the above! You also should know that I have experienced both ends of the spectrum! Destiny was a horrible sleeper even from birth! We would swaddle her (which she hated). The day she was born, she squirmed out of the swaddle made for her by the CRMC nurses and couldn't be held down to sleep since. We would hold her arms only to have her start wiggling her leg to stay awake and once the leg was held, she would move her head back and forth! Once that was all restrained, she would move a finger! We would run a blow dryer for white noise and eventually with restraint, rocking and white noise she would eventually fall alseep! Just in time for our next door neighbor to rev up his race car that he worked on in his back yard, which would start the whole process again!! So, don't think I am lucky to have a great sleeping baby...I have had my share!

Now, Hailee has developed her own will now! She isn't a baby anymore. I can't feed her when it's my will or change her diaper when I want to! I also can't make her sleep when I want her to!! OR CAN I? So with the transition to the toddler bed, she also realizes she can get in and out when she pleases! She does great at bedtime, but naptime is a challenge!! She is testing her limits! I will tell her it is nap time and she will violently shake her head and tell me "No". So, even though I hate to read, I am reading the Strong-Willed Child. I started it two days ago and have learned so much! I have a great time to read (I lay down beside Hailee's bed to keep her in it and during this time, I read... hopefully this book will give me some insight on how to handle Hailee's defiant behaviour).

Here is Hailee yesterday. I was laying beside her bed, to keep her in it. I told her to go to sleep and she told me "no" and threw her teddy bear and kitty kat at me (which I took away).

I told her to closer her eyes and go to sleep!

She covered them with her hand, but kept her eyes open!!

I told her to lay down...

And finally, I told her to stay in bed....

Now, just so you know, she never did actually get out of bed, but you talk about defiance!! This is sheer defiance!! Just so you know, she did eventually take about an hour nap! Eventually, I will have control of the defiance without breaking that sweet little spirit!!

Sleepless Nights

So, for those who know me well, know that I have insomnia, a sleep disorder. I require Lunesta to sleep. At one time in my life, I was able to sleep through anything, anywhere at anytime and nothing could wake me up. Through the years, this has changed. Myles says that I used up all of my sleep hours!!

Anyway, this sleep disorder developed while I was pregnant with Destiny. Of course, I thought that it was from the obvious discomforts of pregnancy. The symptoms did not go away after delivery or for months. Destiny was not a good sleeping baby, but became an awesome sleeper with time. My sleep did not improve with hers and after about six months or so with very limited sleep (around 3 hours a night), I was put on medications. After trying Restoril and Ambien, Lunesta has been the best option for me!

Well, a life changing event has caused my sleep to become endangered again. I find that I wake up to any noise, even with the use of the highest dosage of Lunesta available. Thanks to the explosion at Bushland, I am not only easily awakened, but I am also afraid to go to sleep. Although I feel that I responded very rapidly and effectively to the explosion and was able to effectively take care of my family, it was the scariest experience in my life and I never want to experience that again. I am praying for God to ease my anxiety and my post-traumatic stress! Some say fear is of the Devil, but I do not completely agree! If it wasn't for the fear and adrenaline the night of the explosion, one family at least would be dead today. I believe that God sometimes gives us fear, so that we will respond to his warnings! I don't know about everyone else, but I will always listen to my "sixth sense" or God speaking to me.

As for my sleep, hopefully this post-traumatic stress will resolve and I will be able to sleep again... or atleast the medication will work effectively for me again.

First Blog

Some of you know that I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time! It has taken me a very long time to come up with a name and I have come up with one, but I am still not sure "it's the one".

My blog is being created to share the sewing projects, the building projects, recipes and crafts that I create, along with a place to vent, share my life and to journal. I hope that the name that I created encompases all of that!

I am excited to begin blogging. I do not know how often I will post, but probably pretty frequently, as I often need a portal for my emotions and for my excitement!

So onward with this new journey!